By now, those of you who follow this blog with all of your hearts and souls are well aware of my shaky relationship with America, particularly with her athletes. I've let them down a number of times, I know, I've accepted this, let's move on. But recently, this commercial has been streaming the airwaves (particularly when I'm watching our men's indoor volleyball team), and I am, for one, flabbergasted, in every sense of the word. AMERICAN ATHLETES ARE FUCKING GORGEOUS. All of them. Even the dudes (no homo; also, do me a solid and put that at the end of the volleyball parenthetical as well). Have a look-see for yourself:
They are freaking beautiful. I mean, I could masturbate to this thing if I were so inclined, presumably climaxing around Lindsay Vonn's tantalizing nose-crinkle about 13 seconds in. In particular, I would like to bring to your attention one Gretchen Bleiler. Although the harshness of that name does no justice to the harmonious beauty of the woman, I've managed to look past this and fall head-over-heels in love with her. She's 28, her birthday is April 10, she's from Toledo, Ohio, she's 5'5" (5'9" on a snowboard), she won silver in the women's half-pipe in 2006 at Torino, and she looks like this as naked as I can find her:
Awesome, right? NOT SO FAST. Now before you go falling all ass-over-teakettle in love with her and making the same mistake I did, I should let you in on the dirty little secret Team USA doesn't want us to know that I've also discovered about her: she is, as Wikipedia so callously states in a bullet of both typographical and metaphorical effect, "married to Chris Hotell." I'll give you a second so you can recollect yourself. It's a toughy.
After discovering this little tidbit and promptly bawling in heartbroken agony over love's labors lost for the next 15-20 minutes, I decided to do some research. First off, this Chris Hotell character is neither good enough of a snowboarder to have a Wikipedia page nor hot enough to be on Team USA, meaning the love of my life obviously married beneath her. Why, Gretchen, why???
After about a week and a half, I regained my composure, and I've managed to put it all back in perspective. After all, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Also, Shawn Johnson's available (and, before that poisonous thought even enters your vulgar mind, she's 17 and LEGALLLL [in South Carolina, at least]). And although she's already gotten a restraining order issued on one especially vehement 34-year-old stalker and could kick my ass any day of the week and twice on Sundays with those Godzilla thighs of hers, I think I see the start of something beautiful....
PS: Who else noted that I had the blog-trifecta of a link, a picture, AND a video??? This is shaping up to be a real blog, instead of just me rambling about cockroach fights.... Crazy shit.
Every time I do this whole blogging thing, Cheryl gets on me about the fact that I didn't mention her despite her muse-like inspiration in my topic formulation. Well, this Friday, a momentous occasion occurred: Cheryl and I ended our internship at the Kuala Lumpur branch of the worldwide global management consulting firm Accenture. While her internship was paid and mine was not, she also had the additional responsibility of actually showing up in the flesh, so no hard feelings there. In honor of our momentous achievement, I have dedicated this blog post entirely to the GChat conversations which kept usgoing strong throughout our interning period and safe from the brink of an otherwise-sure-collapse into insanity. I've also neatly subdivided it into themes.
So Cheryl: Here's lookin' at you, kid.
Internet Activity
June 23, 11:39 PM
David: OH!
So someone
And I don’t know who
And I’m glad to find out it wasn’t you
Commented "BORING" on that last post.
Cheryl: What no way??
Let me check if it is me.
David: Yes way.
Cheryl: Oh no :(
I thought you meant the previous posts.
David: Oh. No.
Cheryl: Who the hell else reads your blog?
June 22, 3:13 AM
David: Where do you play Tetris?
Cheryl: I kinda don’t want to tell you.
Mostly because you will get addicted and then you won’t talk to me.
Cheryl: And my boss said he saw this huge roach the other day.
David: Oh man, if only I’d been there.
A new blog post.
Cheryl: Err, he said it was big.
So I told him I have this huge fear of roaches – totally understandable.
David: Yup.
Cheryl: Not even unusual.
David: They’re dangerous.
Cheryl: Haha, yeah.
And I said, they don’t really have a point.
David: Nope. Useless creatures.
Cheryl: And he goes, "Well, yes they do. They must have some purpose in life, otherwise they wouldn’t be here. It’s evolution."
And he goes on to say, "What if I thought you weren't pretty and you scared me. Should I then get rid of you?"
David: Suave.
Cheryl: THEN HE HAS THE AUDACITY TO SAY
"So you don’t like the way they look, kinda like the Nazis didn’t like the Jewish people."
And I’m thinking, "Wow, this conversation just took a turn."
Pets
June 22, 3:42 AM
David: He’s a golden retriever.
Cheryl: Awwww
That’s the kinda dog I imagined you having.
And you guys will go hiking together
And fishing.
Awwww
David: Yeah, about that....
Cheryl: Hahaha, it’s so true, isn’t it?
David: Oh yeah...
Hiking and fishing.
Constantly.
Cheryl: Haha, you just a good ol' country boi from North (South?) Carolinaaa!
David: SOUTHHHHH
Or excuse me:
SOUFFFF
June 22, 3:57 AM
Cheryl: Do you sometimes feel that you love your cats less than you love your dog?
How do you think that makes them feel?
David: Sometimes.
But that’s only with the set of cats I have now.
Cheryl: Are they lesser beings? No.
David: But they love me less than he does.
Cheryl:Are you a mean person? Yes.
David:NO, CHERYL
Accenture
June 19, 11:57 PM
Cheryl: Oh oh oh, breaking news. The guy intern is staring into his computer and smiling?? Naked pictures???
It was brief. The smile is gone now.
David: Lol. Definitely naked pictures.
Cheryl: Emily says: Naked pictures and then he minimized it.
OR OR OR
Porn.
But then he realized it was his sister.
Let me know if he leaves for the bathroom soon.
David: Lol.
[12:01]Did he go yet?
Cheryl: HAHAAH NO
YA NASTY
June 30, 11:49 PM
David: So do you know why your boss was all worked up that you were born in 1990?
Cheryl: Err, no why?
Are you going to tell me?
David: Oh. I don’t know. Just wondering.
How would I tell you why?
I don’t know this man, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Haha. Well, continuing about Elin
So I told Elin, and she goes, "Uh oh, what’s the legal age in Malaysia?"
HAHAHA, what a bitch.
David: What is the legal age in Malaysia?
Cheryl: 18, I think.
It’s 18 to drink. It has to be 18.
Go look it up. Wiki it, wiki man.
David: Will do.
16. He's fine.
Cheryl: OH MY GOD NO WAY
And fuck you.
July 13, 4:09 AM
Cheryl: I have to walk upstairs and collect something in 6 minutes. The countdown of doom.
And then I have to start cutting things up to decorate the board.
I knew that star-plus in kindergarten would finally get me far in my career.
David: Oh, that star-plus. Always the little genius, Cheryl.
Cheryl: Haha, she came down! No need to walk!
But yeah, every report card said, "Cheryl is a joy to have in the class."
That, and "Cheryl talks too much and socializes too much."
July 31, 5:31 AM, via e-mail:
OH MAN OH MAN OH MAN. I’m fooping HARD! And you’re gone of course, but I’m fooping hard! HARD. This stalker thing cannot be right. It just can’t be! OK, first of all I want to say sorry for leaving you hanging. Dave (boss Dave) pulled me aside to explain more stuff to me. Kinda interesting stuff but really INSIGNIFICANT compared to the amount of foop-age I am going through because of this stalker app.
Malaysia
June 23, 12:07 AM, regarding a proposed trip to the World Cup in 2010:
Cheryl: And how long do you think we will be there?
And I donno, South Africa isn’t exactly safe.
David: All good questions.
South Africa is totally safe, Cheryl.
You're in Malaysia.
That’s an upgrade.
Cheryl: We need to get all these questions down before we get ahead of ourselves.
OMG YOU DID NOT JUST SAY THAT
July 30, 2:07 AM
David: Oh man, your bio rocks.
Cheryl: Haha. I’m scared. How long is it?
I don’t want them reading a novel.
David: "Found within an ark of bulrushes in the boiling tropics of Malaysia, Cheryl Chan spent the first 18 years of her life developing the necessary language and social skills to go through life as an ordinary American. After receiving her education picking through the rice paddies of an ‘international school’ in the rural hinterlands of Kuala Lumpur, Cheryl boarded a Chinese junk bound for the golden shores of the New World and stumbled upon the American University, where she enrolled in 2008. She is now a business major in the Kogod School of Business, following the cancellation of the university's Rice Harvesting & Irrigation program after the Fall semester due to ‘lack of Malaysians.’ She has since found her niche in the athletic world, having been acclaimed ‘God's gift to Wii bowling’ and finding her calling in Internet Tetris."
Miscellany
July 8, 10:51 PM
Cheryl: You can let alcohol do your talking, you can let drugs do your talking, but do not let your penis do your talking.
David: He’s just so fucking vocal.
That’s the issue there.
Cheryl: Okay, end of discussion. This is way too weird for me.
July 29, 10:09 PM
David: Cheryl.
I can't get on FarmVille. I’m freaking out.
Cheryl: What what?
Haha, all I saw was I’m freaking out. Way to freak me out. Loser.
David: Not a loser, Cheryl.
My peppers! What will become of my peppers!!!
My dying pumpkins too. And rice. Although my rice won’t be ready for awhile.
Still, my peppers and pumpkins are wilting!
It goes onto the loading screen, but abruptly stops at like 90%. Inexplicably.
I don’t know what to do!!!
[10:26 PM]Cheryl: So how are your pumpkins going?
David: I can’t get to them :(
They’re probably dying as we speak.
Cheryl: Doesn’t the game just go on hold?
David: No, Cheryl. Things take hours to happen. They have to grow while you sleep and shit.
Cheryl: Oh my God.
David: Or you plant them early in the day and reap at night.
Cheryl: Haha, intense.
How realistic.
David: But they also wilt if you don’t care for them.
HOW REALISTIC. Exactly.
[10:29 PM] CHERYL WHY IS THIS HAPPENING???
Cheryl: Haha, Don’t ask me why. Such is life, Dave Wile.
David: Well, fuck. So much for my pumpkins.
Unless I can get this back before I go to sleep.
Cheryl: Haha. I have faith in it.
David: I hope you're right.
Cheryl: Haha, when am I not?
Don’t answer that question.
[11:44 PM]David: Still can’t get onto FarmVille :(
Cheryl: In good time, little grasshopper.
All in good time.
[12:06 AM]David: CHERYL CHERYL CHERYL CHERYL
All your prophesies have come true!
Cheryl: Yes yes yes?
David: I can get on FarmVille again!
I’m so relieved. Oh my God. I can’t even tell you. I was so nervous. I thought I’d never see my farm again.
Cheryl: HAHAH. Did anything die?
Man, I can’t stop smiling.
David: No, luckily. My cows were fittin’ to burst though.
Cheryl: Fitting to burst? As in they need to be milked? Well, get to it.
David: Yeah. I got to it. But they were looking uncomfortable.
Cheryl: Haha. So you don’t actually know? Not very scientific, is it?
David: Cheryl. It’s a game. The cows need to be milked after 24 hours. The same amount of time it takes peppers to grow. And soybeans. Rice takes 12 hours. Squash takes 2 days. Pumpkins take 8 hours. Strawberries 4 hours. Cotton and wheat take 3 days. Pineapples take 2 days. Chickens lay eggs every 24 hours. And sheep need to be sheared every 3 days. And pigs find truffles every 2 days.
It’s not scientific at all, in other words.
Cheryl: HAHA. OMG. That list was brilliant. Like a crash-course on Farming 101.
David: I can gift ducks now!!!
Cheryl: Haha, say what? Ducks aren’t gifts.
David: You can give gifts. In FarmVille. I can now gift ducks. And I just got sent another damn avocado tree. That makes 4 avocado trees for me.
Cheryl: But who do you give gifts to?
David: Other people with FarmVille.
Cheryl: And do they want gifts? You don’t seem happy about your gifts? Ungrateful?
David: Oh. I generally am. It’s just, Jesus. Another avocado tree. I really want a rabbit :(
But only Tara can give me a rabbit. She’s the only one at that level. Like I was really happy about my pig. And my cows and chickens and sheep. And a lot of my trees. But a fourth avocado is a little ridic.*
Cheryl: Haha. You're ridiculous
David: Yup
Cheryl: Oh boy.
These people never stop working.
And it’s almost lunch time.
Although today I brought my own lunch.
David: OH MY GOD I’M GOING TO KILL FARMVILLE
*By the way, as of 3:40 AM on August 8, 2009, I have 10 AVOCADO TREES. WHAT THE FUCKKKK????
Chronicling my adventures as an unemployed nocturnal bum, All the Wile exists to give you a look into the Lean Pockets, n-Game addictions, 4 AM pool matches, and rare sun-sightings that define my life. Or I might end up just putting up pictures of my dog...
