David Writes a Paper

Luckily for my blog-viewing audience, I have a paper due in roughly 29 hours. It's supposed to be between 12 and 15 pages. And because reading about me writing a paper is exactly what you all wish you could do at any given moment, and All the Wile only exists to serve the public, you guys are coming along for the ride. Get excited. 

2:32 pm. I arrive in Bender Library and find an open computer, only 3 hours after I'd planned to get to the library. Good start. 

3:05 pm. I've checked the Facebook, the Twitters, and my e-mail. I've also caught up on Cheryl's blog. I'm effectively out of immediate time-wasting mechanisms, and I need to gets-ta-steppin on my research, of which I have none. 

3:10 pm. I luck out and find my paper proposal in my e-mail. Alright, go time.

4:09 pm. I've effectively compiled a list of 14 books to go find, not to mention 3 articles on the interwebs. Time to leave the comforts of my chair and go out into the wilderness of the AU stacks. 

4:16 pm. To prep my journey into the stacks, I went onto the Twitters. I have to look up Cheryl's use of "whinger." It's apparently a British term meaning "whiner," but with an added "g" to be approximately 16.6% more pretentious. 

4:17 pm. A girl just sat next to me. I'm convinced she just read every word in my blog, saw that ridiculously easy pretentious British joke, and is thinking I'm a douchebag who thinks I'm hilarious and every minute of my life is worth documentation. Now awkwardly flipping between Twitter, Blogspot, and library catalog tabs.

4:59 pm. I've rounded up all my books. JESUS CHRIST IT TOOK 45 MINUTES TO ROUND UP MY BOOKS??? Alright, whatever, I'm over it.  

5:05 pm. Books organized by topic. I actually have 15 now because I found one from 1966 called Negroes and the New Southern Politics that's bound to be exciting. Or that was bound to be exciting 44 years ago before its binding became old and decrepit. 

5:10 pm. The girl got up and was replaced by a guy, who stepped on my headphones and took the rubber part that holds it in my ear off of the left one. So much for jams. He's also rolled his rolly-chair onto my bookbag, so I can't even get up and go to a more spacious area. 

5:13 pm. Oh man. The chair's wheel is caught between the bookbag strap and the actual bag. I can't even pull it out of there. This is ridiculous.

5:15 pm. I crack open a book.

5:26 pm. The guy next to me got up! My bookbag is free! Also, I remember I have extra rubber-parts in my bookbag. Jams are back on the table. Specifically, "She Wolf."

6:18 pm. Just read the word "ignanomous." I begin to question the validity of this source.

6:34 pm. Dinner time. I just shoved 15 books into my backpack. Let's go check out a laptop from the Reserves desk, check out all these books, shove them back into my backpack, and hit up Salsa.
6:53 pm. Sitting in the Tav. Everything I just said actually went off without a hitch. I am amazed. 
9:01 pm. Ran out of battery in the Tav, back to the library. After a 15 minute search for a table near outlets, settled for a table not near outlets. Laptop battery has 5 minutes left. 
9:09 pm. Battery dead, replaced with new, livelier battery. Back online, baby.
9:27 pm. New bullet point added to the outline. Total count now up to 2. 
11:00 pm. Thomas Jefferson, on New Englanders: marked "...like the Jews, with such perversity of character, as to constitute from that circumstance the natural division of our parties." Gotta find a way to work that into the paper. Whenever "the paper" happens.
11:11 pm. Wish made.
11:21 pm. Done with first part (of 6) of outline. 5 bullet points, or 2 more bullets than were in Andrew Jackson's body at any given time after 1813. 
11:43 pm. Second battery replaced. These batteries can't handle my blogging.
12:34 am. Goal established: writing by 3 AM. Go time.
1:08 am. Done with second part of outline. 3 major points, but 2 pages of outline. 3 pages of outline so far for 4-6 pages of paper - solid. 
1:10 am. Ran into Steven Haber, discussed merits of blogging during paper. 
1:17 am. Bathroom break.
2:19 am. "I'll punch that old bag of beef in the ribs with my pitchfork." South Carolina's very own "Pitchfork" Ben Tillman on President Grover Cleveland, Democratic National Convention, 1896.
2:32 am. Yeah! 12 hours of doin' work. Get some. 
2:42 am. Eagle's Nest run? Eagle's Nest run.
2:55 am. Forgot that the Eagle's Nest closes. Chances of making it through the night have decreased exponentially. I cower in fear and tiredness.
4:09 am. I have failed miserably to meet my goal. Slightly disappointed in myself. Moved to an outlet because I'm out of battery and the Reserves desk is closed. Scared, tired, hungry, and cold. 
5:07 am. Done with third part of outline. 4 pages of outline, 0 pages of writing. Keeping a great pace. On the positive side, 1 hour till McDonald's opens, and I get to do my Bull Moose Party research now. 
6:05 am. McDonald's run!
7:08 am. Back from McDonald's run. Class in 4 hours, really??? Paper due in 13... This is about to get sticky. 
7:13 am. Too many instances of the word "fetish" in this article for me to take it seriously. Also, too many instances of the phrase "Tea Party."
7:38 am. Holy Christ balls, I wrote a word! "Since." Eh? Good word?
7:50 am. First paragraph done, moving right along.
8:06 am. 1 page, check me out.
8:38 am. 2 pages in exactly an hour. 
9:13 am. 3 pages. 9-12 more. 9-12 MORE??? Fuck me.
9:43 am. 4 pages. I need to rally, I'm drooping out here. My brain's tired, my fingers are slowing down out there. My eyes look like they just smoked a pound of weed. These are not the proper circumstances under which 30% of my final grade should be decided.
9:58 am. Girl just comes to the library at 9:58 in the AM, asks me to "plug her in," and tells me I have "hardcore bloodshot eyes." Thanks, doll.
10:10 am. 5 pages. 
10:35 am. 6 pages. All I want is bed. Like, that's 100% of the things I want right now.
10:47 am. Except maybe also to be done with this paper. And not have to go to class at 11:20. Those three things are 100% of the things I want right now.
11:02 am. 7 pages. Bathroom break. Well-deserved bathroom break.
11:23 am. Almost 8 pages in, 3 minutes late to class. I think I have to return this computer now. And pack up my 6 trillion books. I'll be back by 2 though, kids, don't you worry your pretty little heads none. 
12:42 pm. Hit the 24-hour mark like 10 minutes ago, still going strong. Rally time through Linear Algebra now. Also, got some pizza in my Dissident Media class, so there.
2:18 pm. Back in the library. Home, sweet home. 
2:32 pm. Now celebrating 24 HOURS OF PAPER WRITING!!!
3:03 pm. Focus totally lost. 
3:23 pm. Focus regained. Up to 10 pages. Home stretch. Haven't even started talking about Bull Mooses yet.
3:46 pm. Here's a surprise: battery's about to die. Go figure.
4:29 pm. 11 pages. I look like I'm dead. But now come the Bull Meese.
4:54 pm. 12 pages. I can stop now, but there's still so much more paper that has to happen.
5:25 pm. 13 pages. 23 hours and 59 minutes ago, my bookbag was liberated. Never forget. 
5:46 pm. Battery replaced again. 14 pages done. Still have to talk about the Tea Party and compare it to the other four case studies of factional movements I examine in the paper... There's no way I'm gonna do that in a page. Mad foop sets in.
5:55 pm. DO I OR DO I NOT GET FOOD??? 
6:09 pm. That was the question. And apparently the answer is "I do." The answer's always "I do."
6:10 pm. T-2 hours till paper's due. 
7:12 pm. T-58 minutes. Oh shit. I STILL NEED TO BIBLIOGRAPHY. 
7:52 pm. Bibliographying. On the clock like the smallest hand, in the words of Lil' Wayne.
8:04 pm. I bounce out the Tav. Go time.
8:12 pm. Enter library, get on printing computer. Gettin' my print on.
8:15 pm. That's fine printer, I didn't want you to print page 11. PRINT AGAIN.
8:19 pm. Wow. I'm done. Only 10 minutes late. WE MADE IT!!! Oh man, I feel like Rocky. And with how swollen my eyes are, I kinda look like him too. 


I'm happy that we get to share this accomplishment. You know, without you getting any of the bloodshot eyes, sunken face, slow-ass muscle movements, and slight hallucinations that I get to take home with me.