David Among the Greats: A Comparison

One month and twenty-seven days ago, friends and neighbors, I reached a milestone of American legal culture: I turned 21 years of age. In America, this would have been celebrated with much pomp and circumstance (I think it's generally more pomp than circumstance. I haven't been in America for four months, however, so I could be mistaken on this matter). In Germany, where people apparently turn 21 all the damn time, this milestone was celebrated in a much more subdued manner. Of course, I realize that I haven't done much to earn an extraordinary celebration of my birth. True, I have created a blog that has won me the praise and adoration of millions, but beyond such benevolence and creativity, I have passed but a scant amount of my potential greatness onto my fellow human beings. But I'm so young and have so much time to truly extend my genius to mankind, one might say. So let's test this philosophy with the infallible process that is scientific inquiry. Using purely biographical information from the list of the greatest heroes whose feet this planet's dust has ever had to glory to kiss, we shall attempt to answer the following question: How do I compare to such historical giants at the grand old age of 21 years, one month, and 27 days? 

Game time.

Julius Caesar

Where he was at 21:
With his father Gaius Julius Caesar, the governor of the province of Asia, dead when he was a mere 16 years old, Julius became the head of the Caesar family. When he was 17, he was appointed high priest of Jupiter, which meant that he'd need himself a wife; he was summarily married to the daughter of Lucius Cinna, one of the top two most powerful men in Rome. When the other most powerful man in Rome, Lucius Sulla, got back to the office after having some business to attend to bustin' skulls down in Greece, he targeted, among others, Caesar in his purges, taking away Julius' inheritance, dowry, and priesthood. Julius went into hiding in the Italian countryside to avoid execution; eventually he used his connections to get Sulla's pardon and return to Rome. With his first choice career path closed, Caesar joined the army, and was summarily honored with the Civic Crown, the second highest military honor in the Republic. He subsequently became an ambassador to King Nicomedes' court in Bithynia. Charged with securing a fleet using the king's financials, Caesar spent so long in the king's court that rumors began to circulate back home of a homosexual affair between the two of them, accusations which would follow him his entire life. Detractors disparagingly gave him the title "Queen of Bithynia." 

Chances of David being Julius Caesar:
11%. I have a number of things working against me here. For one, I wasn't appointed to any high priesthood before my high school graduation. Additionally, I have yet to be purged by the most powerful man in my country for any political involvement, nor have I earned many military valors. Never has anyone even thought to question my sexual orientation, which will probably end up costing me some sweet, sweet motivation in the long run. Why else would I put in the effort to rise to a position high enough to be draped in women - including my future assassin's mother - at all times?

"What? I told him to chill with the 'mater tua' crap."

All in all, I'm afraid I just might not have the experience with political intrigue to become a Caesar.

Jesus

Where he was at 21:
Nobody goddamn knows. According to the Gospels, he was born to the Virgin Mary in a manger in Bethlehem, whisked away to Egypt, and raised in Nazareth. At one point when he was 12, he was found in Jerusalem after an episode with some negligent parenting reading from the Torah in the Temple, but after that the story gets a little fuzzy (and by fuzzy, I mean non-existent). He emerges again in his 30s primed and ready for some solid Bible-thumpin'. We're gonna have to go outside of the gospel for this one: specifically, Shingō, Japan. According to local legend, Jesus decided at the age of 21 that the best place to pursue some good old divine knowledge was in Japan, and moved there for the next 12 years. That's right: at 21, Jesus was in Japan. How accurate is this account? Well, you can decide that for yourself. According to the legend, after Jesus went back home and his crazy East-by-Middle East theology wasn't a hit with the locals, his brother Isukiri - a traditional Judean name - took his place on the cross. Apparently a little Tale of Two Citiesed out, Jesus headed back to the place that stole his heart: Herai Village in Shingō, where he and his family took up rice farming and he died at the ripe old age of 106. 
Sounds about right. 

Chances of David being Jesus:
94%. This is a pretty rough estimate, but nothing about Jesus' childhood outside of that virgin birth really guaranteed his international adoration as the Messiah. I went ahead and took 6% off though because, no offense to my mom, but I probably wasn't born to a virgin. Also, Grand Strand General Hospital is a few turtledoves shy of a manger, if you catch my drift. However, the Big J and I are both skinny-ass Jews, and I totally rode a donkey that one time I was in Israel. 

I also rode this Israeli.

And, if that isn't spooky enough, when I was 12 I was definitely reading the Torah in a temple before my mom came and picked me up. Considering I haven't already moved to Japan to become rice-farmer Jesus, that means I'm almost certainly on my way to become Lamb-of-God Jesus. And you know what that means: 

I'll take one in bigger.

Get on it.

William Shakespeare

Where he was at 21:
Shakespeare's life is also a bit of a mystery. Born in 1564 to a glover and his wife, Shakespeare got himself baptized real quick and was educated at a free school chartered by Edward VI in 1553. After undergoing some intensive Latin schooling and going through the Classics, the 18-year-old Shakespeare was married off to Anne Hathaway, who would achieve fame in her own right after 2001 in her breakthrough role as the lead in The Princess Diaries. Seven months later, the 26-year-old Anne (high five, Shakespeare) would give birth to a baby girl, Susanna. Two years later, just shy of Shakespeare's 21st birthday, Anne would give birth to twins, Judith and Hamnet. The next 7 years of his life are considered his "lost years," and for all intents and purposes he was just dicking around before arriving in London in 1592. He possibly wrote his earliest play Titus Andronicus  before hitting the big 2-1, but it was more probably written sometime between his 22nd and 29th birthdays. Recovering from his lost years, he went on to become the most badass poet in English literature.

The valiant taste of death but once, bitches.

Chances of David being Shakespeare:
43%. Although I've been schooled for longer, I've only read a fraction of the Classics that Shakespeare had gone through, and I'm going to guess that I know less Latin (but probably more German) than old Willy. I have neither married nor impregnated anyone to my knowledge, and I can safely say that I am not a father of 3. However, I am well on my way to having a series of "lost years" that my future biographers will painstakingly and meticulously scour every moment of in order to figure out just what in the Sam Hill I was doing between college and becoming the best writer of the English language ever. Having collected an extensive paper trail largely through credit card receipts, they should be less than intrigued to find an impressive amount of McDonald's consumption and a disappointing volume of European H&M purchases. My chances of becoming Shakespeare though are largely hampered by the fact that Shakespeare was already Shakespeare. Unlike royal dynasties and boxing championships, "best writer" titles don't really get passed down so easily, so unless I do something remarkably revolutionary to this language (hint: SUPERiambic pentameter), I'm probably not going to get Shakespearean accolades. 

George Washington

Where he was at 21:
Born in February of 1732, George Washington suffered the death of his father at the age of 11. Raised by his half-brother Lawrence, he became the official surveyor of Culpepper County, Virginia at the young age of 17. With the money from this job he was able to purchase land in the Shenandoah Valley. He eventually caught the attention of Virginia's lieutenant governor Robert Dinwiddie largely because Lawrence was the commander of the Virginia militia, and was appointed to a major in February of 1753, around his 21st birthday. He also joined the Freemasons at this time, so his connections with the Illuminati were taking root as well. With the French expanding their territorial claims into Ohio Country, the British ordered Governor Dinwiddie to let the French know post-haste that dibs had, in fact, erstwhile been called. Washington delivered a letter stating said dibs, and the French commanding officer at Fort LeBeouf politely informed him of where he could shove that letter - specifically, onto the desk of his commanding officer in Canada, as he would be in charge of the dibs-claims department. Washington wasn't even about to go all the way to Canada, so he came back to Dinwiddie, said the French refused to leave, and was ordered to raise a militia regiment.  

Chances of David being George Washington:
18%. Washington seemed to have a bit more feet in the door to gain jobs and quick promotions and the like. Riding off the successes of his half-brother, Washington was able to get some dollaz, land, and a military position. I have none of these at the moment. Also, there seems to be a relative dearth of country-founding going on in this day and age, so the chances of me leading a nation to rise up against our colonial oppressors are looking bleak. As was the case with Caesar, I have yet to become an ambassador representing the wishes of my respective Empire either, so that's working against me. Still, me and George both share at this green stage of our lives a certain youthful laziness. Had I been in the same position as Georgie was, asking a Frenchman to get off of my country's land and whatnot only to be told I needed to go ask the higher-ups way the fuck up in Canada, I'd've probably just gone ahead and started the French and Indian War too. I mean, Jesus. Canada. Do they even know how far away Canada is?

What is that? They turned ice into a sport?

Albert Einstein

Where he was at 21: 
Educated at a Catholic elementary school for three years and then at Luitpold Gymnasium for the next 7, Einstein showed an early interest in building models and mechanisms and a talent for mathematics. At age 10, he was introduced to Kant's Critique of Pure Reason and Euclid's Elements. At 16 he wrote his first scientific work, "The Investigation of the State of Aether in Magnetic Fields." He applied to the Eidgenössische Polytechnische Schule in Zurich and failed the entrance examination (but did well on the math and physics parts), and finished secondary school in Aarau in northern Switzerland. He graduated at 17 after studying Maxwell's electromagnetic theory and then renounced his German citizenship to avoid the military. He enrolled in the four-year program at Polytechnic, cozied up to his future wife Mileva Marić during romantic nights reading textbooks on extra-curricular physics, and graduated at 21. Easy enough. 

Chances of David being Einstein:
76%. I've gone to school, and I probably showed a talent for mathematics when I was little. I'm on track to graduate by the time I'm 22, so Einstein's got a year on me there. Sure, I haven't written any scientific works yet, but everyone knows about aether in magnetic fields nowadays. Come on, Einstein. His résumé is actually pretty basic: he just went to school and did well in math and bad in everything else. If I don't read physics textbooks for fun it's because computers and televisions have been invented. When Einstein was my age, fun, like aether in magnetic fields, wasn't a fully developed concept yet. Societal differences are the only thing holding me back from being another Einstein: if I can overcome the bounds of this age, the vices and temptations that beckon me away from genius every second of every day, nothing else can stop me from discovering how matter and light can act both as waves and particles or proving the Riemann hypothesis. Unfortunately for the mathematical world, Facebook not only exists, but so does Law & Order: SVU. 

I can't even look away from the title card.

Combined, that means I'm probably not getting any work done any time soon. Hell, the fact that I could finish this blog post at all should really be celebrated.