J.J. Juices Up

(or, J.J. Overcomes His Fear of Cameras Long Enough for David to Get a Cheap Laugh)

Alright, before anybody complains that after only a month of blogging I've already resorted to putting up pictures of my dog, let me just defend myself by pointing out that President Obama has also resorted to putting up pictures of his after five months, and his life is alot more interesting than mine, I presume. In fact, the Obamas have actually released a baseball card for their Portuguese Water Dog, Bo. This is that baseball card (click on it to see it nice and big):


Now, if you're like me, the first thing you'll realize, once you get beyond Bo's innate cuteness, is that Bo is not playing baseball in his baseball card. He's not even wearing his team's uniform. You'll also chuckle unabashedly at the "making friends with foreign dognitaries" line.

However, this got me to thinking that J.J. needed his own baseball card. And it could be bigger and better than Bo's. I might not be able to win the hearts of millions, play basketball, have a wife who's still attractive even into her 40s, or raise two adorable little black babies, but by God, if I can do one thing better than Barack, it's make my dog a baseball card.

So here's J.J. as he appeared in 1984:


Part of that storied World Series-winning Detroit Tigers squad of 1984, J.J. continued to play until the mid-'90s, when a nagging knee injury complicated by the fact that he hadn't been born yet finally caught up to him. A lifetime .274 hitter, J.J. is most fondly remembered by Tigers fans for becoming confused two outs into the top of the 6th inning with runners on base and mauling Paws, the Tiger mascot.
In 1995, while playing for the St. Louis Cardinals in a game in Milwaukee in the waning years of his career, J.J. achieved the rare feat of chasing down and biting all three Sausage Race contestants, catching up to the leading Polish Sausage just a few feet before the finish line.
More recently, a lawsuit against the "Air Bud" franchise has been pending for the last three years in the court system of California, with J.J. claiming he was "not compensated for a number of films so blatantly based upon my life. Oh, and woof woof, motherfuckers."

So Bo can stick that up his pipe and smoke it.