David Lets Down America (Again)

I love America. Alot. We're pals. We're more than pals; we're almost married. She's given me all she could provide for the past 19 years of my life, and I like to think I've reciprocated. Sure, we've had our "lover's spats" here and there; once she went to war without telling me, and I found out the next morning with a very, very angry phone call from Iraq. Once I was a little content when Puerto Rico beat our extremely smug national basketball team in a little 5-on-5, and she wasn't too pleased that I didn't support "her team." We've had our rough patches; she's elected governments of which I've been none too proud, and back when I was in 8th grade my room seceded from the Union, much to her dismay.

But there have been good times as well. She was there when I needed some religious freedom and she's let me speak my mind, provided I wasn't being immature and shouting "FIRE!" in a crowded theater. I was there for her when FRIENDS went off the air and this one time that these people she always referred to as "terrorists" kept harassing her at work.

But today, my friends, I did the one thing I'd promised the woman who took me in and raised me as her own, who showed me love and tenderness when I needed it most, and who saved me from the bonds of British monarchical affliction I'd never do: I let her down. I disappointed America. And the day after her birthday nonetheless.

"What did you do, O David, who has done naught but honor this beauteous woman with bounteous love and joy?" you ask? I answer: I overslept the Wimbledon final. Now this simple act may seem harmless to the less wise among you, and the sentiments which follow may seem arrogant or foolish (See: David Wins the Stanley Cup! for a brief recap of these feelings you might have and/or the possible questions you might ask). But my sentiments are neither arrogant nor foolish, and my act not harmless in the least.

In oversleeping the Wimbledon final, I sealed the doom of young Andy Roddick, who sacrificed both short temper and lackadaisical work-ethic to get to this point. How is this possible, you ask? I'll now present you with a short list of recent athletic accomplishments among Americans, and, using the variable of "watched by David" or "unwatched by David," you will be able to connect the dots yourself.

U.S. soccer team loses to Italy, 3-1.............Unwatched
U.S. soccer team loses to Brazil, 3-0............Unwatched
U.S. soccer team defeats Egypt, 3-0............Watched (more-or-less)
U.S. soccer team defeats Spain, 2-0............Watched
U.S. soccer team loses to Brazil, 3-2............Unwatched
U.S. volleyball team defeats Netherlands.......Watched
Andy Roddick defeats Andy Murray..............Watched
U.S. rugby team defeats Canada, 12-6..........Watched
Roger Federer defeats Andy Roddick............Unwatched

"Touche, David," the polite swordsman would respond. In games that I have watched, American athletes are 5-0. In games I have not watched and/or slept through, they are a mere 0-4. You might have a few questions about the list - in what world is that a good sample size, David?; what in the heck does "more-or-less" mean?; what, in God's name, possessed you to watch international volleyball, and men's indoor volleyball at that?

To answer your questions: a.) in David world; b.) the game was graced with the presence of my eyes for a few minutes, although not the entire game, thus the "more-or-less" tag; and c.) that's a damn good question.

So yes; first I overslept the Confederations Cup final only to wake up and see the U.S. has blown a 2-0 lead to lose 3-2 while my support was incapacitated by sleep, and then today, despite the fact that I placed the alarm clock where I couldn't reach it without getting up and that I set all 3 alarms on my phone at 5 minute intervals, I wake up to find that, painfully reminiscent of my prior failure, I have overslept the Wimbledon final and Andrew Roddick has, contrary to his nature, lost 2 tiebreaks and a first-set lead to lose to the tennis god that is Roger Federer in the longest match in major history.

Here's a brief analysis of events (not to be confused for an excuse of them):
6:30 AM - David resigns himself to sleep, setting his alarm for 8:30 AM.
Between 6:30 AM and 8:30 AM - Fate ordains David's phone to die.
8:30 AM - David apparently turns off his alarm, despite having no recollection of this action whatsoever. This action involves rolling out of bed, walking to my alarm clock, and having the presence of mind to turn it off. Considering I didn't even have the presence of mind to build these actions into my memory, I'm pretty impressed with my unconscious actions, despite being disappointed with the result.
3:30 PM - David wakes up, realizes he's missed the final, cries temporarily, turns over.
4:30 PM - David wonders how he managed to blink for an entire hour.
6:30 PM - David seriously questions whether that 2 hour blink was actually a blink or what some somnologists refer to as "sleep." Still up for debate.
7:00 PM - David finds out that, as America shuddered and moaned in helpless agony, Roddick has lost. I mourn for my country, my love.

I let my friends down.
I let my family down.
I let Andy Roddick down.
But most of all, I let the United States of America down. For the second time in a single summer. HOW DO I LIVE WITH MYSELF???