David's Heart Breaks

By now, those of you who follow this blog with all of your hearts and souls are well aware of my shaky relationship with America, particularly with her athletes. I've let them down a number of times, I know, I've accepted this, let's move on. But recently, this commercial has been streaming the airwaves (particularly when I'm watching our men's indoor volleyball team), and I am, for one, flabbergasted, in every sense of the word. AMERICAN ATHLETES ARE FUCKING GORGEOUS. All of them. Even the dudes (no homo; also, do me a solid and put that at the end of the volleyball parenthetical as well). Have a look-see for yourself:



They are freaking beautiful. I mean, I could masturbate to this thing if I were so inclined, presumably climaxing around Lindsay Vonn's tantalizing nose-crinkle about 13 seconds in.
In particular, I would like to bring to your attention one Gretchen Bleiler. Although the harshness of that name does no justice to the harmonious beauty of the woman, I've managed to look past this and fall head-over-heels in love with her. She's 28, her birthday is April 10, she's from Toledo, Ohio, she's 5'5" (5'9" on a snowboard), she won silver in the women's half-pipe in 2006 at Torino, and she looks like this as naked as I can find her:


Awesome, right? NOT SO FAST. Now before you go falling all ass-over-teakettle in love with her and making the same mistake I did, I should let you in on the dirty little secret Team USA doesn't want us to know that I've also discovered about her: she is, as Wikipedia so callously states in a bullet of both typographical and metaphorical effect, "married to Chris Hotell."
I'll give you a second so you can recollect yourself. It's a toughy.

After discovering this little tidbit and promptly bawling in heartbroken agony over love's labors lost for the next 15-20 minutes, I decided to do some research. First off, this Chris Hotell character is neither good enough of a snowboarder to have a Wikipedia page nor hot enough to be on Team USA, meaning the love of my life obviously married beneath her. Why, Gretchen, why???

After about a week and a half, I regained my composure, and I've managed to put it all back in perspective. After all, 'tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Also, Shawn Johnson's available (and, before that poisonous thought even enters your vulgar mind, she's 17 and LEGALLLL [in South Carolina, at least]). And although she's already gotten a restraining order issued on one especially vehement 34-year-old stalker and could kick my ass any day of the week and twice on Sundays with those Godzilla thighs of hers, I think I see the start of something beautiful....



PS: Who else noted that I had the blog-trifecta of a link, a picture, AND a video??? This is shaping up to be a real blog, instead of just me rambling about cockroach fights.... Crazy shit.